Understanding Desire Types

Desire is not one-size-fits-all. In her groundbreaking book Come As You Are, Emily Nagoski introduces the concept of two main types of desire: Spontaneous and Responsive.

Spontaneous Desire

This is the type of desire we see in movies. It strikes out of the blue, like a lightning bolt. You look at your partner and suddenly want sex. About 75% of men and 15% of women experience this as their primary style.

Responsive Desire

This desire emerges in response to arousal. You might not feel "horny" initially, but once you start kissing, touching, or connecting, your desire wakes up. This is the primary style for about 5% of men and 30% of women.

Why It Matters

Couples often mismatch. If one partner waits for lightning to strike (spontaneous) and the other needs a jumpstart (responsive), you might end up in a standoff.

Key Takeaway: You don't need to wait to be in the mood to start. You can start to get in the mood.